That is about what I can describe myself as feeling right about now. There is a hope in the horizon, however, the last six weeks of my life have been utter insanity. I have had increased demands at work, at home, and of course in school as well. It is hard to pick and choose where to put your energies, and truthfully, I feel as though I have focused more on work/family and less on school. I apologize for being a terrible student at this point. I feel like between work, family, and school – I was already hanging on by a thread, but I have now crossed over to new territory.
I’m also sorry because this post has absolutely nothing to do with group dynamics.
I’ve shared with a few, but at home one of my daughters is being evaluated due to hearing loss and sensory processing vs a spectrum disorder. We have taken her to developmental specialists, early intervention, pediatricians, developmental pediatricians, audiologists, speech pathology, occupational therapy, and an ENT. It was something that was sort of in the back of my mind as possibly being there for a while. I remember my husband telling me that if any of our children are on the spectrum, it would be my sweet little one that we are evaluating. This was when she was maybe 9 months old. I am battling with regret for pursuing my instincts sooner and also trying to come to terms with the fact that we may be looking at a totally new idea of what the new normal may be with our family. A reflective piece was shared with me and I have read it often over these last few weeks and will share now because it so truly summarizes many of the emotions that have been attached to me at present.
Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley
“I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try and help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It is like this….
When you are going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The Gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”
“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”
But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.”